Thursday, December 19, 2013

Christmas Recipe : How to Make a Banana Republic.

I know cooking is one of the more popular topics on Kottu, so let me take a stab at my own, a Christmas Special, if you like.

I am a great fan of plantains, sometime referred to as banana's. I was looking for some interesting things to do with banana's (for the record I do not possess a dirty mind) when I came across a recipe, for the making of a proper Banana Republic.

Things you’ll need

Theology – An established religion is a necessary ingredient. But if not, then any set of whimsical thoughts, hallucinations and outdated ideas will suffice.

Slogans – Slogans are mandatory. Without them you are not going to end up making a successful banana republic. In fact, banana republics chiefly rely upon slogans – slogans of democracy, slogans of rule of law, slogans of becoming the best nation in the world, slogans of triumph over the enemy, slogans of ‘national sovereignty’, slogans of chosen nation by gods, slogans of Mard-e-Mujaahid, slogans of food, clothes and shelter, slogans of the ‘shinning’ nation are all the buzz words which can be utilized to tranquilize masses in your banana republic.

A Constant Enemy – banana republics can’t exist without a constant enemy, which you can continuously keep the masses afraid of. A constant enemy is actually your friend, because it serves the purpose of enabling you to drag the attention of masses over it, while giving you time and chance to loot and plunder them. There are many benefits of a constant enemy. Your armies can churn up a fair share of budget on name of defense. Your institutions can utilize public money one name of developing new war technologies. Your every policy can be formed keeping in view the danger of that constant enemy. You can plant the seeds of patriotism because of that enemy. In fact, the advantages are numerous, the list is long.

Note: Class society is a presupposed fact in this regard, since no state can be erected in a classless society.

How Tos
1-      Start by propaganda in press and media that the country is in real danger, its finances are low, taxes are essential, austerity measures are inevitable – thus people have to sacrifice.
2-      Often repeat the mantra, ‘Motherland is passing through difficult times!’
3-      When inquired about your governance, again repeat the mantra, ‘All is fair’.
4-      Start a controlled exchange of fire or a semi-war with your constant enemy, and often keep that side of danger open. This will enable you to fool the masses into thinking that country is really in danger. They ought to drop aside their usual economical and democratic demands.
5-      Whosoever dares talk to you on matters of state and affairs, try to make him/her subdue by making excuses from banana republic’s theology/theory.
6-      Tighten up policing, keep judiciary in your pockets, offer bribes often, and keep in close touch with religious clerics.
7-      You may sabotage the political activists who are against you.
8-      Secret police and your intelligence agencies should often pick people and kill them after. Off course, you have need not bear any voice of descent in your banana republic
9-      If people get tired with your autocratic rule, return to shallow ramshackle democracy, which should continue the same old rule under new name and faces.
10-   For direct exploitation of your masses, sell your all resources of country to private firms, multinational companies, privatize as much as you can. And then call it ‘development’.
11-   Dose people with religious dogmas; celebrate religious rituals and days often.
12-   Put the label of ‘national interest’ on every action you do in your self interest.
13-   Make national fascism, while exploiting people’s natural love with their homeland. This patriotism is your most useful weapon.

This way, you will at least lay the foundation of a banana republic.


When I wrote this almost seven years ago, I think I was only half-serious. Reading through this article made me think: have we reached the level of lunacy where this appelation is now entirely appropriate? Will anyone care to fill out the list of ingredients and see what we end up with? Certainly not a Breudher, thats for sure. Maybe a Banana Split?

1 comment:

zafarimam said...

A very refined Christmas recipe. I actually wrote it for Pakistan, but seems fit on Sri Lanka too :)